It is Thursday evening. Bob got home yesterday afternoon, and I went to see the counselor for my first visit last night. It is an interesting thing, being trained as a counselor, being a veteran counselee, and going to start a new counseling relationship. There are expectations of what that experience should be, and then there is the reality of the experience. Well, I am not sure that this is the long term forever counselor that will be with me through my crisis of a life. She was okay - but I would have handled me differently. Perhaps I should enlist a good friend, or even a perfect stranger for that matter, who I can give a scripted manuscript to - and they could play the role, as I would write it...........now there is a way to save $$$ and direct the whole thing exactly the way I think it should go............
Can you tell that I am feeling somewhat less fragile and am a little further away from the emotional edge?
I need to be held to this resolution - I WILL connect - in PERSON with at least one old friend - this month - ooops - not August - but September.........................
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
The Day after
Tomorrow will be my day after - I know it will be, because I am so distraught today - that forever more I will remember tomorrow as the day after - Liz left for college - Bob with her, but not until they had some car troubles, a huge computer issue, the AC in our house died, and they left hours later than they had planned.
No sooner were they out of the house - never mind out of the city - before Joe called Evangeline to tell her that he had gone for his first day of work - after 50 applications, at least 10 - 15 interviews, and one other job offered and then withdrawn - only to be told that he could not have the job because he couldn't type 50 words a minute. HE has NOTHING - and at this point we are all wondering if God is even around.
Evangeline - with no money - has taken Wesley and gone down there. I came home - and her car was gone, and the crib mattress is out of the crib - and so I know they are gone. And I am so scared - scared that God has really left us - scared that life will never be normal again - scared that I will drink myself to death - and that there will be no day after..............
No sooner were they out of the house - never mind out of the city - before Joe called Evangeline to tell her that he had gone for his first day of work - after 50 applications, at least 10 - 15 interviews, and one other job offered and then withdrawn - only to be told that he could not have the job because he couldn't type 50 words a minute. HE has NOTHING - and at this point we are all wondering if God is even around.
Evangeline - with no money - has taken Wesley and gone down there. I came home - and her car was gone, and the crib mattress is out of the crib - and so I know they are gone. And I am so scared - scared that God has really left us - scared that life will never be normal again - scared that I will drink myself to death - and that there will be no day after..............
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Welcome to my blog
It is Saturday morning - the morning that I try to listen to NPR - that horrible liberal radio station which has certainly poisoned my mind, and is slowly morphing me into a liberal thinker - the ultimate curse.
I will surely be interrupted multiple times by phone calls, and an adult daughter or two - needing to talk about where the clean laundry was deposited - or some other crisis.
Saturday morning NPR is my laughter source - something dearly lacking in my life right now - and the therapeutic effect of Car Talk and Wait Wait Don't Tell Me - are a sure bet for a chuckle.
I am sitting at the dining room table, surrounded by piles of stuff that should have been put away sometime during the past week, but weren't. And that would be because I just didn't care about neatness this week.
I cared about getting through the next day - which is pretty much how each week goes - I have found myself living - towards the future - like - when I get through Saturday the 3rd - I'll be able to relax and enjoy life. Unfortunately - Saturday the 3rd is in the year 2030.
Lest you get too concerned about my mental state - I have an appointment with a counselor on Wed. - My dear sis suggested that I am clinically depressed - and so I am going to find out. I am sad, I am sad that we moved to the Atlanta area after 20+years in Florida - and wanting to move here for at least half of that time, and now that we are here - I am sad. Not sad that we moved, but sad that we HAD to move. That we had to leave a church that no longer "liked" my dear husband, and totally awesome shepherd. That after we agreed to leave, 3/4 of the congregation left the church and the 1/4 that are still there - well I don't know what they are thinking. Did they get what they wanted? Are they satisfied that smiting the shepherd and scattering the sheep was in the best interest of advancing God's kingdom. Or am I just still so hurt that I can't see the good in the bad?
I am sad that my friends all live too far away - too far to call and say - "meet me at Starbucks" I need a friend right now.
I am sad the Elizabeth leaves on Monday - for her last year of college - in Indiana - and that this was the best summer we have had together. I am sad that she has not made me totally nuts and relieved that she is returning to the midwest waste land........who would CHOOSE to live in Indiana?
I am sad that Evangeline busted her butt to finish a difficult tech program and now cannot find a job. That her life's love is so disadvantaged that he can't provide for her - financially, emotionally or spiritually, that she has to live in our home- and depend on us for her life. I am sad that Wesley doesn't have a daddy that lives with him, and that he is saddled with a crabby Nana that is sad.
I am sad that I drive an hour to get to my office, at a job which I should love, but I don't because I just don't.
I am sad that I hear through the grapevine the goings on of my past friends - who I still love and want to talk to, and maybe even see, who I would travel great lengths to visit, but who don't come to see me, and don't stop on their way through the area as they travel.....were they my friends because they loved me, or because the friendship at the time was convienient - and that maybe I wasn't the friend that would sustain them. that is a lot of pressure to put on someone - and I am sad about that too.
YIKES - this is a SAD post !!
I will surely be interrupted multiple times by phone calls, and an adult daughter or two - needing to talk about where the clean laundry was deposited - or some other crisis.
Saturday morning NPR is my laughter source - something dearly lacking in my life right now - and the therapeutic effect of Car Talk and Wait Wait Don't Tell Me - are a sure bet for a chuckle.
I am sitting at the dining room table, surrounded by piles of stuff that should have been put away sometime during the past week, but weren't. And that would be because I just didn't care about neatness this week.
I cared about getting through the next day - which is pretty much how each week goes - I have found myself living - towards the future - like - when I get through Saturday the 3rd - I'll be able to relax and enjoy life. Unfortunately - Saturday the 3rd is in the year 2030.
Lest you get too concerned about my mental state - I have an appointment with a counselor on Wed. - My dear sis suggested that I am clinically depressed - and so I am going to find out. I am sad, I am sad that we moved to the Atlanta area after 20+years in Florida - and wanting to move here for at least half of that time, and now that we are here - I am sad. Not sad that we moved, but sad that we HAD to move. That we had to leave a church that no longer "liked" my dear husband, and totally awesome shepherd. That after we agreed to leave, 3/4 of the congregation left the church and the 1/4 that are still there - well I don't know what they are thinking. Did they get what they wanted? Are they satisfied that smiting the shepherd and scattering the sheep was in the best interest of advancing God's kingdom. Or am I just still so hurt that I can't see the good in the bad?
I am sad that my friends all live too far away - too far to call and say - "meet me at Starbucks" I need a friend right now.
I am sad the Elizabeth leaves on Monday - for her last year of college - in Indiana - and that this was the best summer we have had together. I am sad that she has not made me totally nuts and relieved that she is returning to the midwest waste land........who would CHOOSE to live in Indiana?
I am sad that Evangeline busted her butt to finish a difficult tech program and now cannot find a job. That her life's love is so disadvantaged that he can't provide for her - financially, emotionally or spiritually, that she has to live in our home- and depend on us for her life. I am sad that Wesley doesn't have a daddy that lives with him, and that he is saddled with a crabby Nana that is sad.
I am sad that I drive an hour to get to my office, at a job which I should love, but I don't because I just don't.
I am sad that I hear through the grapevine the goings on of my past friends - who I still love and want to talk to, and maybe even see, who I would travel great lengths to visit, but who don't come to see me, and don't stop on their way through the area as they travel.....were they my friends because they loved me, or because the friendship at the time was convienient - and that maybe I wasn't the friend that would sustain them. that is a lot of pressure to put on someone - and I am sad about that too.
YIKES - this is a SAD post !!
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