It is Saturday morning - the morning that I try to listen to NPR - that horrible liberal radio station which has certainly poisoned my mind, and is slowly morphing me into a liberal thinker - the ultimate curse.
I will surely be interrupted multiple times by phone calls, and an adult daughter or two - needing to talk about where the clean laundry was deposited - or some other crisis.
Saturday morning NPR is my laughter source - something dearly lacking in my life right now - and the therapeutic effect of Car Talk and Wait Wait Don't Tell Me - are a sure bet for a chuckle.
I am sitting at the dining room table, surrounded by piles of stuff that should have been put away sometime during the past week, but weren't. And that would be because I just didn't care about neatness this week.
I cared about getting through the next day - which is pretty much how each week goes - I have found myself living - towards the future - like - when I get through Saturday the 3rd - I'll be able to relax and enjoy life. Unfortunately - Saturday the 3rd is in the year 2030.
Lest you get too concerned about my mental state - I have an appointment with a counselor on Wed. - My dear sis suggested that I am clinically depressed - and so I am going to find out. I am sad, I am sad that we moved to the Atlanta area after 20+years in Florida - and wanting to move here for at least half of that time, and now that we are here - I am sad. Not sad that we moved, but sad that we HAD to move. That we had to leave a church that no longer "liked" my dear husband, and totally awesome shepherd. That after we agreed to leave, 3/4 of the congregation left the church and the 1/4 that are still there - well I don't know what they are thinking. Did they get what they wanted? Are they satisfied that smiting the shepherd and scattering the sheep was in the best interest of advancing God's kingdom. Or am I just still so hurt that I can't see the good in the bad?
I am sad that my friends all live too far away - too far to call and say - "meet me at Starbucks" I need a friend right now.
I am sad the Elizabeth leaves on Monday - for her last year of college - in Indiana - and that this was the best summer we have had together. I am sad that she has not made me totally nuts and relieved that she is returning to the midwest waste land........who would CHOOSE to live in Indiana?
I am sad that Evangeline busted her butt to finish a difficult tech program and now cannot find a job. That her life's love is so disadvantaged that he can't provide for her - financially, emotionally or spiritually, that she has to live in our home- and depend on us for her life. I am sad that Wesley doesn't have a daddy that lives with him, and that he is saddled with a crabby Nana that is sad.
I am sad that I drive an hour to get to my office, at a job which I should love, but I don't because I just don't.
I am sad that I hear through the grapevine the goings on of my past friends - who I still love and want to talk to, and maybe even see, who I would travel great lengths to visit, but who don't come to see me, and don't stop on their way through the area as they travel.....were they my friends because they loved me, or because the friendship at the time was convienient - and that maybe I wasn't the friend that would sustain them. that is a lot of pressure to put on someone - and I am sad about that too.
YIKES - this is a SAD post !!
14 comments:
You loved me through my sadness and I will love you through yours. Thanks for sharing your blog with me...
you are loved by me! thanks for your honesty.
You were there for me in my time of sadness and now I want to be there for you.
I love you always, always, always!!
Thanks for being honest in such a public forum. It's going to be part of what heals you. Keep it up.
I'm so glad you shared your blog with me. You have always been the one we have all looked to for counseling and advice and it makes me sad to know you are hurting. I only saw you once a month for CM meetings but I loved those times...especially after the meetings going out to eat. I'm sad that none of us do that anymore. Everything has changed so much. I miss you.
It would be such a sad thing to even for a minute believe that your husband was not only loved, but respected to the depths of hearts and souls in Florida. It would be even sadder to continue believe that you were made to leave. Maybe there was another reason for the way things happened, just maybe? God bless you in your need.
Sad for who? The truth is - God did use the circumstances to move us on - I am not sad that we moved - but that we were "slipped out the side door" and why are you anonymous? It was the anonymous - afraid to come to me - actions that were part of the fabric of the unhealthy and un lovely method of departing us. If you want to say something - own it.
I am glad you included me in your few that got to read your thoughts - I am thinking of you so much right now, and I wish that I could do something more than have lunch with you and talk and hug hello and goodbye. I wish that I could puch the pain aside and help you see the other side - the side where you come through with God's arms wrapped tight around you and realize that He never let you go - not in your saddest of days, and not in your most trying troubles.
I love you, and I for one am glad that God brought you to Atlanta so we could be friends.
I've never read a 'blog' before so you know I've never answered one so forgive anything that might be offensive - except to anyone who would write such cowardly Halmark pap and then hide behind christianity and anonymity - OK I'm done with that. Breathe. It sounds from the other responses that you've been giving out so much and so have a bit of a hard time taking back (hence the need for 'scripted counselling') Real face-to-face friends are tough to find and harder to trust. I'll pray for that for you.
...in time perhaps. I pray that your counseling is going well. Counselors make the worst counselee's as we know too well.
"Sad for who" You ask?
In reading your blog YOU seem so very sad, you say it, describe it, and make it very obvious that you are unhappy.... and for that I will continue to pray.
Sometimes it is easy to convince ourselves of our own truth, not always THE truth. We play the perception of our own beliefs over and over again in our minds and become convinced that what we have perceived IS truth...
Sometimes the annon can break a barrier, heal a wound, or give to those in need, without accolade or critique. A name brings a face and a history, and preconcieved ideas. It may be possible to love from afar, and respect annonimity for it's intended purpose.
Out the side door ....NEVER! It should be known beyond a shadow of a doubt by all who read your blog that Bob was never forced to leave FT. Myers. EVER! Your husband was the most beloved, honored,trusted and respected man in many of the lives of the people of the congregation. He(and you) were however, asked to change some things. An opportunity which you declined. An opportunity to heal was offered, recieved, and a decision was made....Not by the church, but by the two of you ( I hope). Please share with Bob that no one in the Church body wanted him to leave.... just heal.. especially in areas of his family and all that that implies Jan.
Never out the side door, and never ever with out the love of Christ and the patience of Job. You made the choice to leave. I am overjoyed that your situation has worked out, but we miss Bob greatly. Do not EVER think that he is not missed greatly. God bless you in your need. You are both greatly loved!
We did not refuse the opportunity to heal - where did you get that idea? And we were never given the opportunity to understand - from those with the concerns, what the concerns were - only after they were presented third party.
Two of the elders asked Bob to come to meet them - on a Saturday morning - after we had been to NC for the counseling week, and met with them to process the feedback from the counselors - that they had chosen for us -
the elders informed Bob that the decision had been made - that they agreed it was time for him to leave, and that they would announce it the next day. We did not make the decision to leave - we honored the decision that the elders made -
we were willing to make changes, and we were working on those changes - the elders were not satisfied with that.
All of that aside - you do not have to read the blog - I only let people know about it that I thought would be able to accept me straight up - no holds - no preaching and no judegements.
Counselors do not make the worst counselees - I respect the counseling proces tremendously - beside which - I do not consider myself a counselor - just someone who has the degree - I do not want to give the message that I am a counselor - that would violate the ethics of the profession. I do want a counselor - counselee relationship that I can put my trust and weight in, and that is not the case in this situation.
It is your choice to discuss this in a public forum......not mine -
I am sad - because I am - and if you want to pray for me - that is fine - but DO NOT hide from me.
I need friends with history - who I have loved and been there for - and who are now there for me. I can read all kinds of encouragement just by picking up a book - or listening to the radio - I do not want to wonder who my friends are................
"Counselors make the worst councelees" was a tounge in cheek way of saying "Dr.'s make the worst patients. Is there no room for levity?, even in the seriousness of this discussion line? I would give you my history, and my name, but you want friends who can be there for you ... I don't know if I ever can do that again.
Jan, this will be my last post to your blog. I thought I would be able to come to a common place with you , but no. There seems to be no room for the (other) real truth in your blog. ... but then again ... it is your blog..you can make it what you want... your friends seem to be truly loving of you and that is wonderful. I will no longer intergect on your and their
"privacy". They all seem to be very sweet and loving friends.
.. I do not accuse you of lying.... not at all, just being confused. I had hoped that you, being one of the most intellegent, loving women I have ever known, would have seen or come to finally believe the truth. You have not, so tough love must prevail.
No elder ever asked for Bob's resignation and you know it. You were there, so were others. The congregation had already made a formal decision that they wanted only for Bob to work through a period of healing and change. The elders (2) had no power to ask for his resignation , and they did not. Admit what was really said. And what was not.!
One of the greatest things ever said about a pastor was that "he will be what God and his wife make of him". You will have to live with that.
You have never seemed to be satisfied. You were one of the finest critical care nurses ever to touch a patient... yet that was not enough. You went back to school at great sacrifice to you and your family and you almost started a business helping people as a life coach... that was not enough. AS, Bachelors, Masters...
It was never enough to just be a pastor's wife and support, build and nurture him. I remember you sitting at a wedding reception after Bob had officiated. People were exclaiming how nice it was, when you said, "well when you've heard one of Bob's weddings, you've heard 'em all", and I watched as ther color drained from Bob's face.
Bob Deklavon is one of the finest pastors and teachers on the planet. It is unfortunate that he has been stifled by his circumstances. I will leave you with this last statement..
When was the last time you woke up and said to yourself... "today I will help my husband be the finest man he can be"?. Jan, it is not about you. it never was and it never will be. Your husband is the goal you have been given... not yet another " best job in the world", which we all have heard you say several times... he IS the best job you ever had...
God bless you in your need. You are loved, and prayed for daily. Maybe one of these days I will call you and we can talk..I am close..... starbucks would be good too... If you think you can handle it.
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